New app in South Korea invented for mothers to object to their children's marriages

5 December - Based on Singaporeans' intimate knowledge of South Korean culture having watched (or being forced to watch when everybody has the channel on) at least 100 Korean drama serials, serial entrepreuner Zhen Li Hai has invented a new app similar to Tinder for South Korean mothers to object to their children's marriages, forming the basis of what we know about South Korean life from drama serials.

It is expected that with the high technological take up in South Korea, and the fact that all South Koreans have Samsung mobile phones, elderly Korean mothers (i.e. ajumas) will be able to streamline the process of rejecting their childrens' selected spouses, and speed up about half of most of the drama serials, freeing them (and all the K-Drama addicts) for real, productive work.

It is expected that future versions of the app could assist presidents of South Korean conglomerates find their long-lost heirs, which would also speed up the other half of most of South Korean drama serials, meaning that we will all have to go back to watching Tanglin or whatever Channel 5 tries to pass off as TV these days with Singaporeans speaking in perfect English.

At press time, it was heard that the Singaporean Gahmen would be coming up with a similar app that totally doesn't copy this entrepreneur, even though the colour scheme is the same. Spokesman for the Kollaboration Agency of Productivity And Kompanies (KAPOK), which is a joint kollaboration with our friends from Malaysia, who is a retired Colonel with significant business experience buying overpriced supplies for the army, Col. Da Ping, said that Singaporeans need to be more entrepreunerial and it is all your fault that you Singaporeans aren't entrepreunerial enough so we need to bring in foreign talent who can develop good apps like these.

A review of more things you can't afford: New 2015 Toyota Alphard

29 Jun, Singapore - The new Toyota Alphard, a luxurious 7 seater as reviewed by our credible counterparts at Yahoo Singapore,  is the latest must-have for the wide, open roads of Singapore (they will be wide open once the COEs of most peasant Singaporeans expire).

At only $229,000 with COE, it is only about half the price of an average HDB flat (in Punggol, not a mature estate) which the average Singaporean will take about 20 to 30 years to pay off. Its utility and large size is suitable for the average Singaporean couple who has 7 mouths to feed, as they can dream of driving it around since, you know, the average Singaporean couple will be able to afford this car easily while supporting 7 people.

As a car, it handles like a big, boxy car would. I wouldn't know, because I don't have $230,000 to spare but I have driven a rental car while on holiday in Australia, so I can suggest you don't try cornering at South Bouna Vista Road in this car and instead, drive at 80km/h in the right lane while watching Korean movies on the TV screen.

Its deliberate, hearse-shaped box design is a deliberate stroke of genius by designers in making it so ugly it is a fashion and status statement so people know you can pay $230,000 for something that looks like a piece of shit, and tell anyone (like this writer) who says so that they are just jealous.

From Yahoo:
NEED TO KNOW Toyota Alphard Elegance
Engine 2,494cc, 16V, in-line 4
Power 179hp at 6000rpm
Torque 235Nm at 4100rpm
Gearbox One of those gear sticks. Who really cares? 
Top Speed 170km/h 
0-100km/h Will get you to the nearest backside of the next car on the CTE in, dunno, a coupla seconds 
Fuel efficiency if you can pay $230,000 for a car, you don't really give a shit about petrol do you? Otherwise, just go to JB 
Price $229,888 with COE
Available Now 

MDA to consider becoming marketing agency

The soon to be known as, Marketing Dud-films Agency

25 Jun, Singapore - Following yet another resoundingly successful publicity campaign in making otherwise obscure, unknown literature, films and other forms of media critical of the gahmen strikingly famous and sell out, the MDA (Media Development Authority) is reportedly considering, as part of Singapore's push to make government bodies more like private sector corporations (and pay their ministers like private sector CEOs, of course), privatizing and rebranding itself as a marketing agency called the Marketing Dud-films Agency and listing on the SGX.

Its latest success in making some comic criticizing the gahmen nobody else would have ever read or heard of, coupled with interest in Jolin Tsai's otherwise bland sounding techno song you wouldn't be able to differentiate blasting at a kopitiam (as covered by this reputable publication), and the banning of a film that made young Singaporeans find out about exiles they wouldn't have otherwise heard about, has convinced decision-makers in the gahmen that the rebranding and privatization will be a runaway success.

The business model of the new agency is expected to be from earning revenues by charging commissions and royalties from bookshops and cinemas that Singaporeans often flock to get their fix of banned media in Johor Baru.  An unnamed source was also quoted as saying that Barbara Streisand is in the running to be on the board of directors to contribute her marketing and publicity expertise.  

Man says yes to everything, walks down Tanjong Pagar MRT and ends up with 22 insurance policies and 30 credit cards

23 Jun, Singapore - After watching a rerun of the 2008 Jim Carrey movie "Yes Man", 27 year old hipster Cordeliusamos Tan, a full-time hipster, decided to change the world and say Yes to everything. "The world needs more love," he said. "I thought, why not be different even though some guy thought of it 7 years ago? I might change my life by saying yes."

Cordeliusamos is richer for the experience, especially after a 2 hour jaunt down to Tanjong Pagar MRT to meet some other hipster for some new shitty idea / project they have. After saying yes to everyone who approached him, he now has 22 insurance policies, 30 credit cards, bought about 10 pens where 10% goes to charity, and has been headhunted by 4 MLM firms who promise to make him the next big thing.

As for his new project? "Dunno, who needs a new project now when you have 30 fucking credit cards?"

Woman knows everything about London after going there once with Chan Brothers, set to become next tourism ambassador

23 Jun, Singapore - 52 year old Singaporean woman Zhen Lihai knows a lot, but there is no doubting her in-depth knowledge built over days of experience of the sights and sounds a tourist should experience in the UK city of London, having been there once for a total of 3 days on a tour with Chan Brothers.

"Wah, I tell you ah, in London, you must go to Times Square and Big Ben! And Harrods! Then you must try their tea and scones. Then, you must try their marmite! Very good!!!" she says. "I really enjoyed my trip to. All my friends children got go and study one, their university also VERY beautiful you know?"

Zhen demonstrates this knowledge to every relative and friend she meets, telling them about the diversity of experience that can only have come from following a guided tour in Mandarin for 3 days. And it is paying off, with the City of London reportedly offering her a position as an ambassador to the people of Singapore.

She feels her role will be especially useful to students who couldn't get into local universities and choose to study in the UK instead. "Yah, my son ah, he study at the UNIVERSITY OF SICKNEY you know? Har? Sickney not in UK ah? Aiyah, all the same lah, all also angmoh country."

Beer promoter's side of the story

23 Jun, Singapore - Following not-so-recent now news, but still quite recent considering our staff writer has been on a holiday that she will brag about on Facebook soon otherwise the holiday doesn't count, that beer promoters will not be allowed to work at the hawker centres and markets managed by gahmen, our exclusive story today interviews and covers the touching love story of a beer promoter who continues hanging out at the market she used to work at so she could spend time with the love of her life.

Hu Li Jing, 28, originally from a civilization superior to the one in Singapore with over 5,000 years of history, tells her story. "Actually, I is met the love of my life here," she says, as she looks longingly at her partner, Lao Chee Ko, 68, as she bends over to pick up some coins on the table as he sips his beer. "I was attracted to his charm and wit, and the dashing good looks he must have had 40 years ago. Every time he tells me his life story, I feel so much wiser and interested to listen," she says.

Lao Chee Ko agrees. "Wah, last time, in my days as a army regular, I had so many experiences, I can't finish telling them all. My children and youngsters nowadays just say yah whatever grandpa and walk off when I tell them my exaggerated army stories. I guess my stories must have enchanted her and it must have nothing to do with the $500,000 I have in my CPF or the tips I give with the beer. This is true love at its finest!"

We congratulate the happy couple and wish them everlasting love (since it is highly likely Lao Chee Ko might not even be able to withdraw his CPF anyway).

New "I have money please be nice to me" merchandise a hit with public

3 Jun, Singapore - The young entrepreneurial Singaporean has done it again. This time, Mr Hui Kan Ren, a 24 year old student in Marketing and Entrepreneurial Studies or something from the prestigious University of London Clementi campus, has Singaporeans from all walks of life swooning and having waiting lists to snap up his latest line of themed merchandise.

Mr Hui explains how he came upon the idea. "I mean, I have money, I stay condo and drive a Kia leh," pointing out that a brand new Kia Rio costs $103,000, which is about 30 times the median Singapore monthly salary. "I just enjoy dressing like a pauper in  because its so bloody hot, and like, I don't have to work right. But everytime I go to my condo, or to office building to pick up my OL (office lady) girlfriend, security guards and receptionists are always very condescending and rude to me until they see my satki car or find out that I have money."

To solve this problem, Mr Hui came up with the innovative solution of selling t-shirts that say, "I have money please be nice to me", along with other merchandise like poser laptop bags and files that really have nothing inside but look really professional with the same text. He says that since he started wearing the t-shirts, security guards have stopped yelling at him and speak really nicely to him now.

"I think this is also a good social cause, for the poor people who have to endure the indignity of being shouted at even though they have money," Mr Hui said, obviously referring to the fact that if you have no money you should be shouted at condescendingly.

Reports were that Mr Hui's line of merchandise sold out on opening day, with people standing outside his boutique shop demanding they should get first in line because they have more money than the person in front.

SMRT offers Goodwill Package to affected commuters

Transportation giant Singapore Mass Rapid Transit (SMRT) will offer affected commuters of the most recent train breakdown last Wednesday a "goodwill package."

Trains breakdowns are so common occurrences these days that one Condemn Nation reader wrote in to make a complain that the train did not break down one Monday, causing her being scorned by co-workers for "spoiling the market" after she arrived at work too early. 

The breakdown that warrant the "goodwill package" though, set it aside from other breakdowns because commuters were trapped in a situation that required them to walk through the sewerage system to escape, due to malfunctioned auto-doors. Keys to the manual swing doors was reported to be misplaced.

Affected commuters reported the trek was unpleasant and complained of sickness. 5 of them also complained of light injuries including a severed toe and a dislocated arm.

"We wish to clarify that the alternative escape route to the usual escape route adheres to the technical requirements of the relevant authorities," said SMRT's spokesman, who requested to remain anonymous.

To address the complains, SMRT promised to arrange for a "goodwill package" for the affected commuters that consisted of a pair of almost New Balance Trek4Life shoes, a package of TrekRations and a complimentary Adidas T-shirt that says "Finisher of the Great Singapore Sewerage Trek." The package is worth $399. Commuters were reported to be pleased with SMRT's goodwill gesture.

In another news, SMRT announced there will be a possible increase in fares next year, subjected to the approval by the Public Transport Council (PTC).

Uncle Tan to write cookbook on how to get the perfect "Dad Bod"

28 May - With the latest fashionable body the "Dad Bod", and claims that girls like pot-bellied men more because of various reasons like how they make them feel less insecure about their own bodies, and they make them feel safe and cared for (no, really), men like 46 year old Uncle Tan are rejoicing.

"Last time, people make fun of me cannot drive bus because belly too big cannot reach sterling wheel," Uncle Tan said. "Now, see who laugh louder! I'm going to quit my bus driver job and write a cook book!"

Uncle Tan has been inspired to share his secrets to a great Dad Bod, and is currently writing his cookbook, which he expects to call "I'm too sexy for my shirt". His mistress, Hu Li Jing, is very impressed. "His body is very the sexy wor!"

For this publication, he has given us one of his secret recipes for a light afternoon snack that should get you your desired Dad Bod within weeks.

6 bottles Anchor beer (Tiger also can)
3 bags of peanuts  
1 plate of Char Kway Teow / Cai Tao Kuay
1 plate of Orh Luak
1 bucket of KFC crispy chicken, 24 piece
6 mugs of Guinness Stout
Instructions: Long zhong sa ga liao. Bo tah bo lam pa!!!!! 

Government exploring possibility of listing on stock exchange

28 May - The successful listing of public infrastructure and services delivery giant SMRT (Sekarang Mampos Really Teruk) with no drop in service standards, as it continues to dominate its core industries in shopping malls, wireless communications (WIFI), and retains its highly-valued social media presence, valued by some accountant at $888 million because he is pantang, and its minor, most unimportant job of running the train network, has made the government consider the possibility of listing itself on the stock exchange.

It is expected the benefits of listing the government on the stock exchange will be that minister salaries will finally be pegged to the private sector after they took a giant pay cut to join the public service when they could have been getting much more in the private sector, and will allow the government, like SMRT, to concentrate on its core business of developing and delivering essential policies such as banning lesbian themed music videos.

It is believe streamlining their operations and possibly outsourcing routine work like fixing opposition politicians and rude teenagers will also give them "organizational synergies", whatever that means.

It is expected the juicy, underwriting job of listing the government will go to a reputable firm with at least $1 in their share capital like Alamak Investor Mampos (AIM).

This is the most motivating story I have ever heard

Once, there was a poor man who wanted a job at a big firm as a cleaner. The boss told him, "Do you have an email address?" The poor man said, "No." "How am i supposed to give you a job then?" The poor man walked away dejected, and started trading goods (probably drugs or some shit) and slowly became rich. When asked what his secret to his success was, he said, "I succeeded because I had no email!"

The moral of the story is, wake up from your fucking dreams and stop reading fucking bullshit clickbait stories like these.

The fucking end

 

New flats might have goodwill packages

27 May, Singapore - Following the residents of troubled DBSS (Da Bai Sibei Suay) scheme Trivelis flats in Clementi being given a "goodwill package", scholars are chancing upon this latest innovation for the next release of flats to offer "goodwill packages". It is believed this, and the latest flurry of releases of flats to ease housing cost pressures, has absolutely nothing to do with the upcoming election and will definitely not lead to a supply glut.

"Obviously, peasants, I mean people, don't know how difficult it is to build a good project. There are many cost pressures on our developers, especially labour cost, since Singaporeans only want to work in comfortable, air-conditioned offices and don't want to work in dangerous construction jobs for pittances and stay in dormitories without alcohol," said Mr. Ho Tak Chek, a scholar, from his comfortable air conditioned office.

"Since it is inevitable we will have to cut corners because it is Singaporeans fault, we have showed that we are forward planning and propose that we anticipate and plan the goodwill packages."

It is believed that the goodwill packages will consist of free massage parlour vouchers available at the massage parlours that will be built at the foot of these blocks after they are built.

Chinese heir buys his dog two gold Apple watches. (real story)

A real story from the Straits Times, Singapore. 

Chinese heir buys his dog two gold Apple watches

PUBLISHED ON MAY 27, 2015 5:05 PM

 680 246 0 0PRINTEMAIL

Wang Sicong, the son of one of China's richest men Wang Jialin, took to social media site Weibo to post photos of his dog wearing not one but two gold Apple Watches. -- PHOTO: SINA WEIBO  

NEW YORK (BLOOMBERG) - Thought you were splurging by purchasing an Apple Watch for yourself? Think again.

Wang Sicong, the son of one of China's richest men Wang Jialin, took to social media site Weibo to post photos of his dog wearing not one but two gold Apple Watches.

According to Shanghaist, the caption posted in photos taken by the 27-year-old read: "I have new watches! I'm supposed to have four watches since I have four long legs. But that seems too uncouth so I kept it down to two, which totally fits my status. Do you have one?"

Apple's gold watches retail for between US$10,000 (S$13,500) and US$17,000 (S$23,000) each depending on specifications and currently have a three- to four-week wait time.

Wang Jianlin who is worth about US$34 billion (S$46 billion) and runs the real estate development company Dalian Wanda.

Chinese billionaires probably have reason to splurge. The Shanghai Composite Index posted is soaring again and is up more than 50 per cent so far this year. 

- See more at: http://www.straitstimes.com/news/asia/east-asia/story/chinese-heir-buys-his-dog%C2%A0two-gold-apple-watches-20150527#xtor=CS1-10

NParks: Waterway bench's design was well intended

The Nasty Parks Board (NParks) made clarifications on Tuesday regarding public queries about oddly design bench along Punggol Waterway, after issuing a statement to Condemn Nation News on Monday that said, "In response to recent queries about the functionality of the said bench, NParks assures the public that the bench was multi-million award winning design by Japanese renowned architect Fuckyo Shingapora. The decision to use Fuckyo's design was reached after an intensive consultation last year with about 2 members of the public."

The bench under recent scrutiny was given a lively name, "Sore wa anata no bōru o hogo shimasu" (translated: It will protect your balls) with key functionalities in mind such as preventing the homeless from sleeping on it, discouraging lovers from making out, park users hogging to bench too long lest it builds up a queue and catering for the elderly who have been demanding for rear massage features in neighbourhood parks.

"Misinformed members of the public have to judge for themselves. We have fulfilled every deliverable without wasting a single cent of public funding. NParks is extremely proud of "Sore wa anata no bōru o hogo shimasu" and is currently assessing the possibility of replacing benches in every park in Singapore, taking advantage of a huge bulk discount offered by our supplier."

Forum - Meet this amazing lady, Ms. Tah Gong Zhai

Dear Editor,

Ms. Tah Gong Zhai might look like your ordinary office lady, but you will be surprised when you hear of her achievements. Ms. Tah has complained about it being Monday for the last 52 weeks of the year, and for every year of her working life for the last 25 years, making it an amazing 1,300 fucking times consecutively that she has complained about it being Monday and having Monday blues.

With the advent of social media and technology, Ms. Tah Gong Zhai has also managed to post Facebook status updates about it being Monday, as some people might not have realised that it was Monday, and that it being Monday means having a phenomenon called Monday blues even if you don't have to work or sit around gossiping and taking two hour lunches anyway. These include works of art, or words written in big, colourful, meaningful-like fonts on a colourful background to make them sound meaningful or look interesting.

I would like to praise her for her determination, and her representation of the everyday proletariat, as she takes a humble BMW driven by her General Manager husband to work, and represents the community at grassroots level, and encourage more people to write in with pointless, politically correct letters like these that makes even the writer wonder what the fuck he is writing.


- Messi Di Sousah

Concerned parents urge MDA to ban Youtube after her female dog turns lesbian

The Morality Desolation Authority (MDA) has sent bans notices to television and radio stations in the country so as not to air Jolin Tsai's MV. The MV features a wedding scene between Jolin and another Taiwanese celebrity, Ruby Lin, which has been identified as a threat to national security.

The ban sparked a rage of responses from concerned parents, who wrote to MDA to demand the directive to ban popular video steaming site, Youtube, as their children are viewing the banned MV online instead.

Leading the campaign is 42 year old SAF regular, Mr See Bei Gong, who saw the need to garner support from Singaporean parents to collectively put pressure on MDA after witnessing his pet bitch lick the genitals of her neighbour's bitch. According to Mr See, that took place right after his dog took a peek as he checked out Jolin's MV on Youtube.

"This has never happened before," Mr See explained, "it will be dire if this plague spreads to our children."

"It .... it was still there the last time I checked," another nervous parent stammered during a call-in to Condemn Nation Radio this morning, "I had to take a day off from work to confess in the church for watching it. I've sinned. I demand for MDA to get it off Youtube immediately or ban all Singaporeans from Youtube altogether and I mean now!"

The parent claimed he has made a police report and demand for swift action in aid to put even more pressure on the MDA, lest teenagers decide to try out unapproved sexual experiments.

Singapore aims to put satire pages out of business

24 May, Singapore - Satire pages, long the ire of the Singapore government with the conservative and tightly controlled state media, may be a thing of the past with the latest innovation by the Singapore government.

The strategy involves creating videos and propaganda so bad that even satire writers are choking on their lattes,  stumped on how to make fun of them, and collectively deciding to close their websites to rethink their relevance and strategy in a dynamic business environment.

It is believed writers at credible and respected sites like this one, and New Nation, will have to get real jobs now, and Singapore is thinking of patenting this strategy and selling it to the United States so they can get rid of annoying sites like The Onion (USA) and Waterford Whispers News (Ireland), making this Singapore's latest innovation and technology export that will feature at National Day Parades.

Examples of some of these videos:

Straight male listens to banned song with homosexuality themes, becomes lesbian

24 May, Singapore - Known for its conservative views relating to marriage and relationships, the Singaporean government, who had refused to review a law decriminalizing homosexuality because they were too busy suing opposition politicians, has banned a song from popular Mandopop artiste Jolin Tsai because of the lyrics that encourage the pursuit of equal rights of marriage for the LGBTI community. Singapore has taken an often conservative stance against LGBTI rights and equal rights in general in the past.

Mr. Otaku Tan*, who would not reveal his real name for fear of being caught watching the banned video on YouTube, agrees with the government's stance.

"I watched the video and gosh, Jolin Tsai and Ruby Lin were so hot. I had always secretly harboured thoughts of Ruby Lin back when she was acting in that show about the princess and some other shit, and this video just made my mind fill with filthy thoughts of becoming lesbian and wanting to kiss a woman like how they did in the video."

See Beh Sian, spokesperson for the gahmen added that, "Singaporeans will have their moral values eroded by watching these Youtube videos, and this will ultimately lead to a worsening of the declining birthrate, which as we all know, will lead to GDP falling."

John Obvious, economist at AiSeeBueySee Bank, adds, "The declining birthrate, which has implications for Singapore's economy, is definitely caused by things like PinkDot and bad influences by openly gay activists like Roy Ngerng and Vincent Wijeysingha, and definitely not because of expensive house prices and depressed wages leading to one of the highest cost of living indexes in the world.

It is also believed that the ban will see hits of the video rise dramatically as usual when Singapore bans something as even our banana correspondent who doesn't normally listen to Mandarin beng songs just had to watch this YouTube video, showing that Singaporean media censors still don't understand the concept of the Streisand effect, and will probably have to engage an Angmoh consultant to assist them to understand.

See the video below via YouTube. Condemn Nation takes no responsibility if police come and catch you for watching the banned video.

PM Lee Ang Ku Kueh thrower identified as 17 year old Gan Cheng Hoo

17 year old teenage dissident Gan Cheng Hoo has been identified after throwing an Ang Ku Kueh at Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong when he was addressing the audience during last week's annual PAP Grassroots Forum. Gan narrowly missed PM Lee's face and managed to escape arrest. According to a witness, Gan was believed to have masqueraded as a PAP grassroot member and sneaked out in the chaos undetected.

Gan was almost arrested after he struck again last night during the NTUC Night, where PM Lee was invited as the Guest-of-Honour. Unfortunately, his precision in his throw was matched with enough power to knock PM Lee off his podium to the floor. As a result, PM Lee suffered a slight concussion and was sent to the Singapore General Hospital for treatment. Gan managed to avoid arrest for the second time and made yet another uncanny escape after making a victory lap around the auditorium.

However the 17 year old assured reporters it wasn't over. Condemn Nation News received an email from one who claimed to be PM Lee's assailant. "You may have won the battle, Lee." the two sentenced email said, "but we all know who will win the war." Gan did not explain his anger towards PM Lee but the teenage Ang Ku Kueh thrower seemed dismissive of PM Lee's facial features in general and signed off the email as Gan Cheng Hoo.

The police urge all Singaporeans to provide any information of Gan and guarantee anonymity except for mandatory updates of your NRIC and name of their Facebook page to garner precious traffic in bid to win the Most Popular Defence Unit award ending this month.

Meanwhile, PM Lee has been discharged from SGH with 12-weeks MC.

SME boss laments lack of talent and labour in Singapore market, threatens to shut down

23 May - In Singapore's well-educated and tight labour market, you would expect that a fresh graduate would love the opportunity to be mentored by 37 year old Mr. Da Lao Ban, who runs a Tan Ah Kow Workshop, a family business that does something to do with wood and stuff in Tuas, and has worked for his father's business all his life after graduating from a straight track Southern Pacific University degree course after his N Levels.

Mr Da Lao Ban, however, says that is not the case. Shaking his head, he says, "Nowadays, strawberry generation Gen Y workers are not as hungry for success and willing to learn from experts in the industry as me. They want to sit in a comfortable office like I do, and don't want to work in a workshop for a pittance."

"We obviously want to recruit straight A students due to our reputation. Even though we have a worldwide, international diverse staff of 4, which means we are a MNC, a fresh graduate would rather join the government and ask for $3,000 a month when a foreigner and people 10 years ago would ask for $1,200 a month for a senior position! How to pay for my Mercedes E-Class installments like that?!"

Mr. Da Lao Ban adds that promotion prospects have never been better and that youngsters need to be more ambitious. "Last time, you worked all your life in the same position. Now, we promote you to the position of Regional Director (covering the Western region of Singapore) if your performance is good. Of course, we also raise your pay by $50 a month. That is very good already. But of course, when my 16 year old son graduates, he will be your boss."

Mr Da Lao Ban adds that the challenges include foreign labour being tightened, meaning that Miguel from his staff will have to retire in the Philippines in his mansion and he will need to be replaced. Mr Da Lao Ban says that if he shuts down, the economy will feel the effects.